How it Should Have Ended
by twilly
Summary: Beyond silly alternate endings, out takes and drabbles. Because they are so ridiculous, I'm not even going to waste a beta's time. To read them, please suspend all belief in reality and spelling.
1. Prologue

How it should have ended.

Sometimes my silly stories need sillier versions. These are them. At least I think there will be more than one. I'm not sure.

So these are beyond silly alternate endings, out takes and drabble. Because they are so ridiculous, I'm not even going to waste a beta's time. To read them, please suspend all belief in reality and spelling.


	2. Mine

**MINE: A twitter convo turned into a silly story**

**Before you expect too much from this; READ CHAPTER 1.**

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><p>What the fuck just happened? The last thing I was enjoying a little alone time, spanking the monkey; then all Hell broke loose.<p>

Now there's a girl on girl wrestling match right at my feet. I want to break it up, but it's kind of hot. Maybe there will be a 'wardrobe malfunction.' _Don't stop_.

I really should break it up, and protect Bella from this other chick, but I'm not sure which one is Bella. It's kind of a blur, they look the same. I should really say something. _Don't stop_.

No, I need to stop it. One of them is going to get hurt. Finally, I pull my thoughts together enough to yell, "Hey, what's going on? Break it up!" _Don't stop_.

The sound of my voice grabs both of their attention because they stop and look at me like all moon-eyed. "I'm not going to just stand here and watch you beat the hell out of my girl," I say, halfheartedly, because that shit was hot. _Don't stop_.

They both turn to each other and simpering in victory. Then one of them screams at the other, "Back off, bitch; he was talking to me!" It's weird, but I still don't know which one is Bella. _Oh, passive Bella, I like; don't stop._

Then the other one turns to me and demands, "Tell that bitch she's delusional!" She's stoping her foot, which is cute as fuck and makes me think that's Bella, because she does that. _Angry kitten, love it. Don't stop._

But then the other one bites her bottom lip and whimpers, "Edward - what is she talking about? You're with her? I get it, it never really made sense for you to like me." Fuck, that's something Bella does too!

Insecure needy Bella, goes straight to my dick. At least it normally does, but I don't even feel myself getting hard, which is weird.

I a shriek, which brings my attention to one of them, she has something in her hand and she's staring at it with a giant grin on her face. I think that one is Bella.

"What have you got in your hand, Bella," I ask. Her head whips around to glare at me with narrowed eyes, and the other gasp and brings her hands to her face in shock.

The pissed off one, the one I called Bella, furrowed her brow, "What the fuck did you just call me?"

"Um...Bella?" I'm pretty sure, the other one is actually Bella.

"Why the hell, did you call me that?" she yells, shaking her fist which has some undulating mass in it.

The other one is staring to cry, this one is pissed; I might as well cut my losses and tell the truth. "I don't know, I can't tell you apart! You're both brunettes."

She look from me to the real Bella, and back to me, "You can't tell U's apart? Didn't you see the crown," she says pointing at her head, "and the sash?" she adds running her thumb under the satin of the banner across her chest.

Were those there before? "I'm sorry h-double oh-r; you too really look alike!"

I thought that would calm her down, but she gets even angrier, "H-double oh-r?" she ask indignantly. "That's not my name, my name is Sara! And this," she exclaims, lifting the sash, says Hoor, as in BiGGest FicHoor of the Week, hell the Month!"

I'm still standing in front of them, awkwardly popping my knuckles; this whole experience is fucking weird. At least they're calmer now.

"What were you too fighting over?"

Sara once again raises the object over her head, "This," she says, the turns to look at Bella, "I called it so, it's mine!"

Bella lunges across the space between them, "Hoor, that's mine, I called it first!" they both fall to the ground, still fighting over the object.

"Girls, girls, stop fighting! We can work something out, can't you share." Actually, it's still kind of hot; Don't stop.

Bella, jumps up, "Share? SHARE?" she screams, "You want me to share your peen?"

What? I look at her blankly, before she points to what actually looks like a fucking huge penis, now that she says that mentions it. Then she says, "Sara has your penis and she won't give it back to me!"

Sara, reaches her over with her free hands and blindly swings it around, hoping to hit Bella, "It not his or yours; It's MINE! I CALLED it!"

"I called it first," Bella retorts, "I called it that day we built the foosball table, when we, you know," she says flicking her finger between us, "you know what we did together."

"Doesn't count," Sara says with a self-satisfied smirk. "That was in your head, you didn't say it out loud," she adds tapping her head.

Bella drops her head in defeat. "But..." she starts before being interrupted by Sara, "Cheer up! I get his peen, but you still get him!" she says cheerfully, trying to consol Bella.

Bella's eyes rise to meet hers, "Yeah, but what the hell is he good for without his magic peen?"

This whole situation has gone from weird to fucking creepy; I look to Bella, desperate for an explanation.

She sighs, and rolls her eyes, "You yanked too hard when you were whacking off earlier. You pulled you fun stick right off," she says in a huff, "Sara called it first 'out loud' and now neither one of us gets it."

The tears forming in her eyes would break my heart if I hadn't looked down to see my jeans and briefs pulled down to my ankles and the face the my fucking dick was fucking missing!

"Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god!" I scream at the top of my lungs.

Bella seem to ignore the fact that I'm now a dickless wonder and goes back to talking to Sara, "Really, what am I going to do with him, we both know he can't even build foosball tables!"

"Not my problem." Sara says as she skips to the door, pausing to run the back of her finger down Emmetts massive bicep.

When did he get here? He's just standing in the door way grinning, and when his eye catch mine, his eyebrows waggle.

Sara seems taken aback by his presence, asking him, "Were you watching the whole time?"

With another eyebrow waggle, Emmett admits, "The door was open."

Sara gasp with shock, "I think you're a dirty voyeur!" she says as she dick slaps him with my dismembered member.

"I think you watch too much porn, you cock whip like a pro!" he offers with another waggle.

I'm concerned that he's actually having a eyebrow seizures rather than waggling them. With my jeans still at my ankles, I'm forced to waddle to his place in the doorway. I reach up, smoothing out the furrow of his brow, but they keep waggling.

"Dude, Emmett, don't," but he keeps waggling, "Stop." He's still waggling.

Don't. Stop! Don't! Stop!

I can here Emmett laughing at me, he finally says, "Ed-man, dude, wake up!" I'm starting to come to consciousness. I hear more of Em's laughter, "Dude, wake up! I think you fell asleep mid-jerk, your dick is hanging out."

I jerk fully away. My cock is in my hand and it's still attached! I'm so happy to see it, I want to bend over and kiss it! Better yet, I'm calling Bella to kiss it! And then I'm making her 'call it' out loud, just in case. Who knows what that crazy hoor was planning to do with it!


	3. Cub No More

**And now, Clandestine, How it Should Have Ended. Because every 100 word drabble needs a 1400 word response to make everything right with the world again.**

**The original Clandestine drabble can be found here: /s/7430896/7/Twilight_TwentyFive_Challange (paste that behind Fanfiction. net)**

**For Bellalove72, he was only a Cubbie for a couple of hours, it's all better now. (And I hope I got some of those White Sox references right!)**

**Beta'd by MS WORD. Any mistakes are their fault, not mine. I'm perfect.**

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><p>I'm chatting with the girls when my niece hollers across the yard, "Auntie, there's someone at your door. It's a man!"<p>

I hurry to the door, not missing the teasing cat call of my family and my sister in law admonishing Tina for her tone. I mean really, where does a six year old learn that kind of intonation.

I near the door, hearing more impatient knocks. I yell though the door, "I'm coming, I 'm coming!" When I yank the door open and I am stunned to see Edward standing on my doorstep with a lage box in his hands.

I'm completely dumbstruck. I just stand there with my mouth gaping open. It seems like we stand there for an eternity before he motions for me to let him in, and I stand back so he can enter. I must be on automatic pilot because if I had a thought in my head, there's no way I'd let him in.

Finally my brain kicks in and I chase him down the hall, "Edward, you can't be here," I whisper-yell to his back.

He turns to face me and his deep green eyes bore into mine. He's so much taller than me; I have to look up at him as he steps nearer. "That's bullshit Bella, I let you play that card once before; but not this time."

I'm a little rattled by his intensity. Things definitely hadn't gone well since I last saw him almost five weeks ago in that hotel room; but I hadn't heard from him since, and I didn't really ever expect too again. It actually hurt a little that he hadn't chased me, not that it would have worked; he was still one of them, and I was still one of us.

Finally, I begged him, "Please Edward, my family is here. We're having a barbeque for my niece's birthday, please can we talk tomorrow?"

He looked down the hall towards the back yard and back to me before a beautiful smile broke across his face. That smile was going to make it really hard to say 'no' to whatever he was going to ask. His eyes twinkled a bit when he winked at me and said, "Perfect, I've been wanting to meet your family," before turning on his heel and heading for the back door. By time I processed what he was doing he was already out the door.

I followed him, almost tripping on his discarded box. I couldn't resist a peek, so I lifted the top just a bit. It was completely fully on Chicago-freaking-Cubs gear. Oh god, this was going to end well.

I quickly scanned the yard for the clueless cad and saw him making his rounds though my uncles and dad. I rushed to his side, pulling him by his elbow for a more private conversation.

"Edward, what the hell do you think you're doing? I can't believe you came here with a box of that shit! You can't buy these people off! They're dyed in the wool Sox fans! They sing their kids to sleep with Let's Go Go Go White Sox! They bleed black and white!"

I was interrupted from my tirade by his raucous laughter. He was laughing so hard, he actually doubled over. "Bella…You think I brought that to bribe them?"

By time he finally calmed down, I was ready to feed him to the wolves myself. Let him go ahead and make a fool of himself. They were going to roast him. It would probably be the only time in their lives these guys would ever let a Cubbieburger pass their lips.

"Come here," he said as he pulled me over to the fire pit. "Just stay her for a sec, I'll be right back," he asked before jogging over to retrieve his box.

He set the cardboard container of evils at my feet and called my family's attention. As if anyone was looking anywhere else.

"Can I have your attention? Please forgive me, I didn't realize there would be so many people here for my declaration to this woman," he said pointing at me. I heard my dad huff at the remark. Unfazed, he continued, "I've practiced this a lot, but I thought it would just be the two of us," he gestured between him and me, "So I'll have to edit this on the fly to make it more family friendly," he added with a wink.

My father's groan drowned out the snickers from everyone else. I could actually feel how red my face was and my ears felt hot enough to ignite.

"I know some of you recognize me, but in case you don't; my name is Edward Cullen. I play second base for the Chicago Cubs," he hangs his head, listening to the rounds of boos. "I know, I know. I was young and foolish when I signed with them."

"But I fell in love with this; dyed in the wool, sings herself to sleep with Let's Go Go Go White Sox and bleeds back and white, South-sider," he said with another wink.

Those winks were going to kill me. I'm pretty sure I heard my Uncle Mike admonish me for associating with a Cub and something about them being like cockroaches you can never fully rid.

"But she said it couldn't be. That all of you," he said while pointing around the yard, "That you'd never accept me and she couldn't bear to lose all of you."

Turning back to me, he takes my hands and holds them to his chest. The look he gives me makes me makes me shiver. But then, a playfulness crosses his face, "Bella, Deny thy father and refuse thy Sox;  
>Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, And I'll no longer be a Cub."<p>

He has the most beautiful, cheesiest grin on his face. It totally matches that cheesy-ass line. "Did you just…did…you know that's the girl's line, right?"

He nods while bending over to open the box at his feet. That's when I realize it's not just Cub's gear in the box, it _his_ Cubs gear. He pulls out his jersey and tosses it into the pit. The heavy material seems to both melt and burn and I'm entranced by the way the flames consume his game shirt. Then it dawns on me, and I look to him for confirmation.

"In this box is every piece of Cubs anything I own, and you can burn it all. If I can't be with you because I'm a Cub, I won't be a Cub anymore."

I shake my head, "You can't do that. You can't just quit for me."

"It took a month of negotiations, and my agent is really pissed because they're only paying me about half of what the Cubs did, but I was traded to the Mariners this morning; I'm not a Cub anymore."

Stepping forward, you take me in your arms. I throw mine around your neck. We're whispering now; and conversation not meant to be heard by the guest awkwardly trying to watch without looking like they're watching. "I've been miserable without you, I would have come back; this cross town rivalry is stupid and it wasn't worth losing you."

He chuckles, "I think it's a little late for that now."

"I'm sorry."

He reaches up to cradle my face, clearing my tears away with his thumbs, "Bella, I love you. Will you come with me?"

"I'd go anywhere with you," I reassure, nodding into your shoulder.

"Anywhere?"

"Wriggley?"

I wrinkle my nose; you throw your head back and laugh. "I wouldn't ask you!"

He's looking at me that way again, the way I can feel in my toes and he slowly lower his beautiful, prefect face to mine. I think he's going to kiss me; I need him to kiss me. I can barely feel the flutter of his lips against mine, "I love you Bella"

I pull back slightly, so I can look him in the eye again, "I love you too, Edward"

His lips crash into mine. I'm soaring, and I forget we have an audience before one of my aunts starts a round of whooping cheers. We pull apart, and I know I'm blushing again.

Without missing a beat, Edward announces to the crown, "Get your galoshes baby, we're going to Seattle!" and then he old movie-style dips me and plants another silly, cheesy, perfect kiss.

**_The End_**


End file.
